This article features expert insight from psychologist Anjula Mutanda.
When you’re caring for children, and perhaps ageing parents too, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of self-silencing.
“Many of the women I speak to who are caring for ageing parents, a partner or children, or all at once, share a common pattern – they’ve slowly stopped advocating for themselves without noticing,” says Anjula Mutanda, a psychologist working with stairlift brand Stannah.
“However, your wellbeing and presence in your relationships are what makes what you do possible.”
If you find yourself in a pattern of ignoring your own needs, holding back on speaking up, or avoiding addressing something that’s bothering you (often for the sake of not being seen as a burden or appearing confrontational), you could be “self-silencing”.
“This psychological behaviour is especially prevalent in women, particularly those in caregiving roles, where the balance is lost between meeting your own emotional needs and other people’s,” says Mutanda.
Social conditioning and gender norms play a big part in this. Psychologist Maytal Eyal wrote for Time that “our culture rewards women for being perpetually pleasant, self-sacrificing, and emotionally in control”. As a result, it can feel counterintuitive for women to say “no” or assert their wants and needs.
The problem with self-silencing
When you continuously ignore your emotions and needs, it can have a wide-ranging impact.
For one, ignoring your emotions can lead to feeling isolated and a decreased sense of self-worth, says Mutanda. “You also become at risk of psychological burnout and emotional outbursts when it all comes to a head,” she warns.
A survey by Peanut app and Tommee Tippee of 2,000 UK mothers found 81% had experienced burnout.
Self-silencing has also been linked to a higher vulnerability to certain diseases, as well as depression and eating disorders, and an increased risk of premature death.
The psychologist says regardless of whether you’re caring for your children, partner or ageing parents, “you have the right to prioritise yourself alongside them”. And it’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
“Consistently putting your own needs last isn’t sustainable and you’ll eventually come to a complete stop. Recognising that is the first step to changing it,” she adds.
Signs you’re self-silencing
Relationship expert Dr Amber Price shared some of the signs of self-silencing on Substack. These include:
Saying ‘yes’ to things without hesitation.Chasing reassurance – asking if everyone’s OK, replaying conversations to make sure you didn’t come across badly, and over-explaining yourself.Letting others decide, holding your tongue when you disagree, or softening your opinions for the sake of others.Caring for others to the point where it’s become your identity.Rarely resting and feeling guilty if you do.Mentally filtering your ideas, preferences and opinions so you don’t come across as “difficult”.Feeling like life is ‘fine’ but increasingly fragile – like “if one small crisis got thrown your way, it might all crumble”.How to stop self-silencing
When you’ve been conditioned to internalise emotions, push your needs to the side, or remain palatable so as not to come across as difficult, it can be really hard to break the pattern. But it’s important.
“If you belong to ‘the sandwich generation’ – caring for both children and older parents simultaneously – then the symptoms of self-silencing will be familiar as you’re juggling multiple family needs,” says Mutanda.
“However, there are ways to unpick this behaviour which will lift the pressures you’re experiencing.”
If speaking up feels too overwhelming, for example, the expert advises taking a pause and trying something more achievable like keeping a diary or a note on your phone to write what you’d like to say.
“The act of putting words to a suppressed feeling breaks the cycle of over-thinking that may lead to ‘self-silencing’,” she explains.
“Also, once your feelings are written out in front of you, you may find yourself ignoring them less and intentionally making more choices that meet your own needs.”
Another way to break the cycle of self-silencing is with a “self-distancing” technique, which involves psychologically shifting briefly to a third-person perspective.
“As someone who considers and deeply cares for other people’s feelings, ask yourself ‘what would I tell a friend I respect if they described this situation to me?’,” suggests Mutanda.
“This may then give you more clarity on where it’s best to balance the priorities of yourself and others.”
Finding someone to confide in, away from your caring responsibilities, can also really help – this person can provide the support and space for you to express your feelings and thoughts. And if it’s not a friend, partner or family member, talking therapy might be your next best bet.
Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·