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‘Everything seemed perfect when I first started dating my boyfriend,’ says Kaeli Dance. ‘He bought me roses every week, made time to see me, and texted me every morning.’
The 27-year-old spent several months thinking her partner was the ideal guy for her. Then a popular book series changed everything.
Kaeli, a choreographer and performer, jumped on the BookTok bandwagon and read Sarah J. Maas’ epic romantasy series, ACOTAR.
More than 13 million copies have been sold worldwide, and the first book, A Court of Thorns and Roses was just named as Spotify’s most streamed audiobook of all time.
The beloved books proved illuminating for Kaeli, who says she realised something was very wrong in her own realtionship thanks to a storyline involving the characters Feyre and Tamlin.
Warning: There are spoilers ahead if you haven’t yet read the books.
Kaeli, from Utah, told Metro: ‘Most of the time [with my boyfriend] I felt really special, but there were random moments where I felt uncomfortable.
‘I felt like something was off, but I couldn’t put it into words because everything on the outside was so perfect.
‘Where I couldn’t put it into words, ACOTAR could. The book is told from a female perspective and shares intimate details about two main relationships: One is controlling and the other is healthier.
‘I started to realise that the person I was dating reminded me of the controlling relationship Feyre had with Tamlin. I ignored it at first, but then there was an experience that was so much like Feyre’s in the book, it was impossible to ignore.
‘I cannot stress how similar it was to the fake scenario that Sarah J. Maas wrote. It was like she saw my future.’
Kaeli recalls how one night she became really sick while her now-ex boyfriend was asleep. Despite needing assistance, she didn’t want to wake him up for help.
‘I was so sick the room was spinning and I couldn’t see straight,’ she recalls.
‘My boyfriend had had a rough day and he was sleeping and in that moment I didn’t want to wake him up as he had his own problems. I immediately flashed to Feyre in Book Two.
‘I realised that I did not trust my boyfriend to help me, in the ways that I specifically need help, when I am at my lowest.’
In the ACOTAR series, Feyre experiences a similar situation with Tamlin, when she is having horrendous nightmares that make her sick and she opts not wake him up for similar reasons.
Kaeli’s response to the situation was a major wake-up call.
‘After this, I had the courage to tell my friends what was really happening in the relationship behind closed doors. They gave me the support I needed to break up with him,’ she added.
Kaeli also shared her break up story in a video on TikTok and her video has since garnered thousands of likes and views.
In the clip she added: ‘One of the reasons I love these books is because it shows trauma and relationships in intimate ways so that I am seeing from someone else’s perspective and I can relate to it myself when I need to.
‘And repeat after me, if your significant other reminds you of Tamlin, DO NOT DATE THEM.
‘If you feel like the one person who’s supposed to have your back in times of crisis is someone that you don’t trust to support you, then you need to rethink that relationship.’
And she isn’t the only one who claims to have broken up with a partner because of a popular BookTok read.
A fellow TikToker known only as Sof, who posts under the name @acourtofsmutandroses, also claimed she’d broken up with her boyfriend for similar reasons.
She said: ‘Just broke up with my boyfriend because he didn’t reach my romance expectations.’
In the caption of the video, she added: ‘I’ll find the love I read about one day’, and claimed it was ‘hopeless romantic problems’.
A woman named Bel (@isabelmoffatt_) replied to her clip, saying: ‘I just did the exact same, two and a half years and now I feel so free. We should never settle for less.
‘I spoke to him about what made me unhappy to see if he’d change and he didn’t. I slowly detached myself from it. I still love him, I’m just not in love.’
This train of thought has clearly hit a nerve with men, as a number of posts have since been shared online claiming that romance books are giving women ‘unrealistic’ expectations for relationships.
Jesse Alordiah posted on X (formerly Twitter) saying: ‘Porn lied to men. Romance movies & books lied to women. Now we all have unrealistic expectations of each other.’
And @TheMuppetPastor agreed, writing: ‘Erotic literature isn’t worse [than porn] in the sense that it doesn’t harm a real human in the making.
‘But it IS worse when it comes to creating unrealistic expectations, unrealistic standards, and corruption of the mind. It makes women believe in and expect falsehoods.
‘It rots women’s minds, gives them unrealistic expectations of romance and sex, and makes them feel wrong or inadequate if their real life experience isn’t as thrilling as the book.
‘Women who take it seriously expect perfection each time and think their man isn’t up to the task, or worst, that they aren’t sexually compatible, just because her imagination has other ideas.’
Some people have also argued that these so-called unrealistic expectations are due to the books being written by women, as the fictional men are then skewed to a more female ideal.
But Kaeli doesn’t agree with the notion that romance books are giving women ‘unrealistic’ expectations.
Instead she, like so many others, believes that they help women ‘heal’ and become more confident in a relationship.
‘Reading about these so-called “book boyfriends” has been a healing experience for me, because it helps me know that I can look for more than the bare minimum,’ she explained.
‘In my dating life, I have had very low standards, much too low. And it really stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t worth being treated well.
‘Thanks to reading, and therapy I am slowly learning that I don’t have to accept mistreatment.’
Have you read ACOTAR?
She continued: ‘I am fully aware that the books are fiction, and I only expect that a partner will give as much as I give.
‘Reading these books has taught me that I don’t have to put up with a partner making fun of me, putting me down, making me feel unsafe physically, being rude to my friends, or not reciprocating my energy.’
‘I don’t expect an all-powerful God who is 300 years old to fall in love with me,’ she adds. ‘I just want to feel as loved and cherished as the female main character does in the books that I love.
‘It’s not too much to ask.’
But what do romance authors think?
Metro spoke to New York Times bestselling author Tessa Bailey, who is beloved by BookTok thanks to her spicy romance novels, including It Happened One Summer and Catch Her If You Can.
Tessa admits that the men in her books aren’t always so realistic as she tends to write ‘a more desirable version of a man’, but she doesn’t see an issue with that.
‘When I write in a male point of view, I’m writing a more desirable version of a man. For instance, he spends a lot of time thinking about the heroine’s wants and needs. That’s part of the fantasy,’ she says.
‘But I also think women are smart enough to know they are reading a fantasy.
‘They don’t suddenly expect their partners to start flying them around in a helicopter or taking them to Paris on dates. Although they might hope for more thoughtfulness and consideration—and shouldn’t we all expect those things?’
And when it comes to women’s standards being raised by books, Tessa is firmly with Kaeli on this one.
‘I think women have been taught that having high expectations is a bad thing — and it’s not.
‘I know a lot of women whose relationships are made stronger by reading romance novels. These books often give readers the courage to be more vocal about their wants and needs, leading to a stronger connection with their partner and ultimately, a happier, more communicative relationship.
‘Perhaps if that is frowned upon in a relationship, it’s more of a reflection of the partner than the reader.’
A version of this article was first published on January 14, 2024.
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