I laughed along with my friends’ homophobic jokes – now how do I tell them I’m gay?

This week’s reader is nervous about how his friends will react to him coming out (Picture: Getty/Metro)

Coming out to your friends is nerve-wracking at the best of times.

After over 10 years of ‘secret flings’ and keeping his sexuality hidden, this week’s Sex Column reader is finally ready to embrace his authentic self.

But there’s one thing holding him back; telling the friends he’s had since school, whose ‘homophobic jokes’ he previously went along with.

Keep reading to hear Laura’s advice, and before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a man whose grieving father-in-law has become a bit of a passion-killer.

The problem…

I recently came out to my parents, and they were amazing about it – especially my mum. She said she’d often wondered if I was gay, as although I’m 31 and have had lots of girlfriends, I’ve never really had a serious relationship and don’t have an issue being single.

I’ve been attracted to guys since my teens and have had a few secret flings with men I’ve met in gay clubs or on websites. I kept hoping it was a passing phase, but I still find sex with men more fulfilling and exciting than I’ve ever felt with women.

It was such a relief to hear that my mum and dad were not disappointed in me and only want me to be happy.

But the problem is, how to tell my mates, who I’ve been close to since school. None of them (to my knowledge) is gay, and we’re at the age now where, one by one, they’re getting married and having kids.

They all think I’m unlucky in love and are forever trying to fix me up. I’m a nice looking, fit guy with a good job and my own flat, so in their eyes I’m a perfect catch.

My friends mean so much to me, and although I know it’s stupid, I feel like I’m somehow letting them down. I’ve joined in with all the homophobic jokes they’ve made over the years, deep down feeling such a fraud.

I’d give anything to be straight and live a nice conventional life, but I know that’s just not going to happen.

The advice

It took you over 16 years to come out to your parents, and when you finally did, they surprised you by being totally cool about it. Don’t you think your friends will be the same?

Coming out is almost never as bad as you think. On the contrary, it can be a really positive experience to finally be yourself and be authentic with everyone you know.

There’s no right or wrong way to do it, but there are lots of tips online. For example, you might want to share the news in writing, to give everyone time to digest the information before you next meet up.

Or you may want to confide in your closest friend first, so you feel you have back-up when you tell the rest of the group.

The special people in your life are almost certain to show you support and may even say that, like your mother, they already suspected and were just waiting for you to confirm.

You might have to give people time to process the news but just remind them that you’re still the same person and value their friendship in the way you always did.

In the unlikely event that one of your friends reacts in a negative way, remember it says more about them than it does about you. First reactions aren’t always lasting reactions, so give the dust time to settle before you make decisions about friendships going forward.

At 31 it’s time to live your life honestly. Imagine a life without pretending – wouldn’t that be great?

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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