1 month ago
25 
‘Where are you, God?’, I thought to myself desperately. ‘Why didn’t you heal my daughter? I believed you could heal her, but you chose not to. Why?’
My daughter, Olive, was born with a heart condition in October 2024. She died when she was just 48 hours old.
The months that followed were full of unimaginable grief; not to mention the confusion I struggled with as a Christian, battling with the anger and frustration I felt towards God.
As if all that wasn’t enough – just weeks after giving birth to Olive, I was diagnosed with a heart arrhythmias. My heart wasn’t beating correctly.
It was an impossibly difficult time – but now, I’m about to run the London Marathon with Team TCS Teachers, just a few months after having my own heart surgery. I can’t wait to prove to myself – that even after the darkest of times, strength and joy can be found.
I never really had any symptoms of my heart arrhythmias before it was picked up during labour.
Olive’s heart condition, meanwhile, was picked up at the 12-week scan.
Doctors told us Olive had a condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), which meant the left side of her heart was underdeveloped and wasn’t working properly.
We were told there was a chance she would survive, but if she did, she’d need to have an intensive, three-part surgery.
They couldn’t tell us if she’d be able to have this surgery until she was born, though. So I had to go through the rest of my pregnancy knowing that my baby was very poorly; and that was hard.
During Olive’s birth, doctors were monitoring her heart rate. They monitored mine, too; and the machine kept saying my heart rate was dropping down to 30 beats per minute.
It wasn’t – but we later discovered that my irregular heartbeat had thrown off the machine.
It was clear there was something strange going on with my cardiac health; but when Olive was born, she was instantly the urgent priority.
She had a leaky valve on the side of her heart that hadn’t formed correctly, which meant the blood wasn’t flowing as intended and her heart wasn’t strong enough, overall, to withstand surgery
It was carnage, with doctors debating what to do. In the end, she was moved from the hospital we were in to Great Ormond Street Hospital (GOSH). Looking back, I don’t think I understood – even then – just how unwell she was.
But when she got to GOSH, she had a cardiac arrest.
When the doctors scanned her heart after this, they said she would need palliative care from that moment on, because her valve was leaking too much.
As a family, my husband, my two-year-old son and I were able to hold her as she died; which was a desperately sad, but beautiful, moment.
I think I was in shock during this time; and I’d pretty much forgotten about my own cardiac issues. But once Olive had been taken to the funeral directors’, I started to notice my heart beating irregularly; and it really scared me.
I had never felt my heart like this before, and I knew something wasn’t right.
I was terrified that now I was dying, and that my husband and my son would be left by themselves.
Distressed, I went to A&E, seeking reassurance that I wasn’t about to die. I spoke with a lovely doctor who gave me all the comfort I needed; and was referred for lots of scans and tests.
That’s when I was diagnosed with an arrhythmias. It wasn’t life-threatening; but I was at risk of heart failure in later life because my heart would have been working too hard for too long.
So I was given beta-blockers, to suppress the arrhythmias. I found this incredibly frustrating. I was trying to get back into fitness by training to run a half-marathon with my whole family, but the beta-blockers held me back.
That whole year, I was in a daze of survival mode; navigating not only my condition but also my grief for my baby daughter.
I cried a lot and had weekly counselling through the hospice that looked after Olive – Demelza – which meant I could have a regular session of crying; and that was what would get me through.
Team TCS Teachers
I think my poor husband got the short end of the stick. I’d have a whole day at school, teaching, and then I’d come home and give my all to my son. By that point, I had nothing left in me.
At the same time, though, it was an important period for my faith. My church helped me feel comfortable telling God exactly what I was feeling – which, often, was a lot of anger and frustration.
We teach my son that no matter what we are facing it doesn’t change the fact that God is always good.
I did a half-marathon, in October 2025, even with the beta-blockers. Doctors hoped the medication would be enough to control the condition; but it became apparent that I needed surgery in the form of ablation, which I had at the end of January.
Surgeons put a wire into my heart and they effectively burned away all the areas that they thought were ‘misfiring’. I had to be awake, because when you’re asleep your heart rate lowers and the arrhythmias would have been less apparent.
It hurt more than I thought it would, but I couldn’t wait to have a fully functioning heart.
The surgery took about four hours – but since then, I’ve felt great.
And two weeks later, I found out I’d got a space to run in the London Marathon. I’d entered it ages ago, but never imagined I’d actually get in.
My family and friends thought I was mad only having 10 weeks to train – but I checked with my doctor, and he said it was ok.
So I did it. I was so honoured to be chosen, I love being a teacher and I hope to inspire my children that they can do hard things too.
Running the London Marathon was an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime experience. It all feels a bit surreal – but I’m so pleased to have achieved it.
The absolute best part was seeing my family and friends. My husband and son got stuck on the DLR for an hour on a broken train, but they were determined to see me again so I was so grateful to see them around Buckingham Palace. It was just what I needed to get around that final stretch.
Most of all, I just feel happy that I was able to honour Olive by running this marathon in her memory. Together with my son and my husband, they are the people I do everything for.
As told to Izzie Price
Originally published April 18, 2026
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·