My husband and I have incredible sex — but I’ve just discovered his worrying hobby

Porn addiction affects thousands of people (Picture: Getty/ Metro)

Some couples don’t believe in secrets, others agree that a bit of mystery is harmless.

But this week’s reader recently made a rather worrying discovery about her husband.

She says they have incredible sex, calling it one of the ‘strongest things’ about their marriage.

But after discovering his late-night ‘hobby’, she’s questioning everything.

It turns out, her husband of seven years is struggling with a porn addiction — and although he’s promised to stop, she’s not convinced.

Keeping reading to hear Laura’s take on this dilemma. But, before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a young man who had a bit too much fun cheating on his high school sweetheart.

The problem…

I’ve been with my husband for seven years, and one of the strongest things about our marriage is our sex life.

We’re so compatible — we both love talking dirty, having sex in different places and positions, and seeing me all dressed up in stockings and suspenders drives him wild.

So why, then, has he become addicted to online porn? I’ve only recently discovered his habit, though he confessed to me he’s being looking at it for the last three years.

He works shifts so can easily hide his ‘hobby’. I only discovered it because he fell asleep on the sofa with his laptop open, and when I went downstairs at 2am to see if he was home, I saw what he’d been up to. I woke him up in such a fury, he couldn’t do much except admit everything.

We’ve watched porn together as part of what I thought was our great sex life, so I can’t understand why he wants to watch it alone and in secret.

He’s a great dad to our two-year-old son and although I want to get back to the happy way we were before, I’m not sure I can. I see him in a different light now, and feel like I’m not enough for him.

He has admitted that he’s addicted to these sites and feels compelled to check them out whenever he gets the chance. He’s promised to stop, but surely addiction means that’s just an empty promise.

The advice

The availability of porn nowadays means that this issue is one faced by many people. Back in the day, you’d have to buy a dirty magazine from a back street shop and smuggle it out in a brown paper bag, so addiction was rare.

But now, with just the press of a few buttons, you can find all sorts of pornography and looking at it can become irresistible.

Let’s leave aside the morals of it all, and the potential exploitation of the people featured. Porn is a complicated issue, and no two people can agree on the rights and wrongs of it.

My own view is that as long as what’s depicted is between consenting adults, porn can be fun when the two of you access it together.

The fact that your husband is looking at it secretly is in no way a reflection of you not being enough for him, many people do this without being addicted.

Porn addiction often stems from deeper issues like stress or depression, so talk to your husband about what’s behind it. Try to be understanding and not judgemental, as he may be suffering in ways you don’t know about.

This situation is definitely not worth breaking up your lovely little family for. You’ve already said that your partner is a great father, and before you found out about his habit, you were very happy.

As with any addiction, he needs professional help. Check out the Laurel Centre, whose therapists specialise in working with people who have sex and porn addictions, or see what’s available locally. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy often works, too.

You’re bewildered and unhappy at the moment, and I suspect your husband feels worse. But I promise that once your emotions settle, and he gets the help he needs, you can both be happy again.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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