My husband financially abused me for nearly 20 years

I was in excruciating pain, exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown.

I had given up two months of work to look after my husband Junaid’s* elderly and disabled mother and physically injured myself in the process, having hurt my hip.

But while Junaid  told me to rest, the care duties were so relentless that it was not realistic.  

This was not the way I wanted to spend life. I deserved better. 

While I understood to a degree that I had been subjected to coercive and financial control over the course of our marriage, I was in denial. With children in the equation, I was always willing to sacrifice myself so that they would have a steady home. 

Now I can see that this helped no one.

There have been many instances when I wanted to leave my 20-year marriage. 

But I have stayed, despite how badly he has treated me.

After Junaid and I married in the late 2010s, I helped him work up the career ladder while I raised our two children. 

I was happy to stop working and focus on looking after our family – in fact I already had when we moved into the house my husband had bought.

This Is Not Right

On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.

With the help of our partners at Women's Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.

You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].

Read more:

Introducing This Is Not Right: Metro's year-long violence against women campaign Remembering the women killed by men in 2024

But while financial and coercive abuse can be harder to spot than physical abuse, they are equally insidious, and Junaid’s control increased over time. 

At no point in our marriage did we ever have a joint account. Junaid convinced me it was better, meaning I would have to make note of how much I spent from my personal account on things like groceries, and then claim it back on expenses

It made me feel like an employee. But I found it impossible to track everything, so my savings dwindled over time.

Junaid told me that I needed to pay for things like our children’s haircuts using my own money or the child benefits, which came directly into my account. 

It made me so anxious. I kept dipping into my savings to avoid having to ask him to reimburse me. 

Junaid was a high earner, almost six figures, giving him the capacity to support us comfortably, but he chose to make sure I had nothing, so I always had to ask him.

He bought houses, which I helped him decorate, clean and furnish – but he never put any in my name. 

Everything that I have achieved – taking part in exercise groups, helping in my community, I had to justify my choices, which he would then undermine, saying things like ‘You should just exercise at home’.

Abusers know that limiting your finances limits your options and opportunities. You become dependent on them, and it is an element of control that they seem to devour. Small comments and actions over time accumulate until you feel like you are trapped. In my case, it was the deflection, the lack of understanding, the moving of goal posts. 

Junaid’s constant criticism and constant dissatisfaction over things like my weight and the way I looked after our house made my life exhausting. 

I often thought I was to blame or maybe I had misread things. Comments such as ‘You should be grateful’ made me question myself, that maybe I was overreacting. 

On the rare occasions that I voiced my objections, because I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, Junaid promised that he’d change – but he never did. 

My personal lack of understanding about my rights in my Muslim faith played a massive part of what I was subjected to. 

When I did reach out to relatives, at my wit’s end, I was told to just try to ignore the behaviour.

I believed I needed to be devoted to Junaid and his family – not my hopes or aspirations. I have come to realise that this is a cultural issue, not a religious one.

Because Islam is firm that no one should be mistreated in marriage and a man is responsible for the needs of his wife, financially, emotionally and spiritually.

I have been educated to know that looking after his mum is not my duty Islamically, despite what my husband says, and helping each other in marriage is more important, even if my husband deems care to be my sole responsibility. 

That final confrontation over his mother was the final straw. I realised I had to leave the marriage before depleting myself physically and emotionally.

When I told Junaid that I wanted to divorce, he was not happy and did not agree, and is still in denial. 

Unfortunately, due to my financial situation I am unable to move out of our family home, but Junaid is refusing to move out, so we are in a stalemate.

Sadly, I can’t go on any longer: I feel I deserve better and have lost respect for my husband.

It is important that Muslim women speak up about financial and coercive control, because this type of behaviour is actually against what Islam stands for.

Soon, I may have to make the decision to simply leave my marriage with nothing.   

I know I do not have the means to fight Junaid  in court and I am wary about putting extra strain on the children as they prepare for vital school exams. In an ideal world he would give me one property, but he has already refused to do so. 

Despite being married for almost 20 years, helping Junaid up the career ladder, enabling him to build a property portfolio, looking after his family – and worsening my own health in doing so – I will have nothing to show for it. 

Financial and coercive control has made me a fraction of the woman I could have been.  

*Name has been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

Share your views in the comments below.